Content

Truth

That which is true or in accordance with fact or reality.

In order for me to feel like I am capable of moving on from things, I have to acknowledge some things that are true.

It was certainly the multiple events at San Leandro that were the ultimate turning point for me and was when I withdrew and became emotionally cold.

I discovered an amazing talent out of what felt like an incredible darkness and I became obsessed with my work as it became more and more effective at distracting me from my feelings and I ultimately decided to not address them and string things along.

Choosing to do school and part of the reason being that it would prevent me from having to do things with you that you wanted because I was no longer in the business of serving your needs and wants, I was just fucking done.

Perhaps the greatest turning point was not when things got so heated that physical damage took place, but before almost getting a DUI after going out to the city by your suggestion and finding myself having to deal with your behavior when getting the attention of others.  It was the quintessential experience that was similar to so many - doing things by your suggestion or influence only to receive backlash for doing exactly that because things didn’t turn out how you wanted.  

You didn’t listen from the beginning because you thought I was just trying to tell you how to live your life.  Though I may have acted more prescriptive than understanding when things were still new for me, I took steps to learn about reconciling differences as okay.  However, you never grew in the context of understanding when I presented myself plainly as a person who was hurt by your actions and consistently turned my feelings against me because by twisting my self-expression of pain into a personal attack against you when I was just trying to tell you how to not hurt me.  What killed me the most was that I continued to try in communicating my pain hoping you could see that I was literally telling you exactly how to not hurt my feelings and you instead took it as an instruction manual for how to hit me where it would have the most impact when you were angry or self-conscious.  

You were so entitled it was angering that you could never see all the wonderful things life had given you and instead spent your time complaining about why things weren’t better rather than evaluating what you could do to make what you want come true.  

My primary motivation for moving was to get away from things once and for all and it was a step in trying to let go and learn that I shouldn’t be trying to depend on someone who is constantly venting their frustrations onto me and making mountains out of molehills.  

Reconciliation

The action of making one view or belief compatible with another.

Living on my own has taught me that I need to take more accountability for my feelings.  Coming home to be alone with my own thoughts instead of with the apprehension of waiting for you to come in and look for something to spark a fight about allowed me to retreat into places of great sadness and anger for what I had allowed myself to tolerate.  

I do hope you are happy, or at least on the way to a smile, as I am still learning I have some ways to go before I can be bitter-free.  There are many things you have wanted to do and if there’s anything I rubbed off on you is that only you can get you to where you want to be.  People can be there to support you along the way but talking about what you want to do is completely different from actually doing it.  

What I ultimately want to say is that I apologize.  I apologize because of the roles I played throughout the years that didn’t seek to mend an already bleeding wound.  Though admittedly, if I was a more self-respecting person in the beginning, I would have ended things before they took off, part of why things continued to drag on even when I felt at wit’s end multiple times was because I couldn’t handle the idea of how much it would upset you.  It wasn’t until I was emotionally dead for almost two years at that point that I decided I actively wanted to avoid your influence on me.  Nearly every activity we could have done as a couple was trimmed out as a potential idea because I had a library of experiences that were enough for me to avoid making any kind of plans because I couldn’t rely on the possibility of us NOT arguing or having petty conversation or you taking jabs at insecurities. Pursuing an MBA and consuming myself with work while at home was the best excuse for why I didn’t want to do anything with you and though I felt justified in disappointing you as payback for everything you were doing, it was only making things worse and I should have been strong enough to end things when I knew I didn’t care about making things work again.  Smoking weed became our favorite past time and, like you, I developed an incredible dependency on it just so I could not feel.  I didn’t want to feel anything when you would come home and bitch about the stupidest shit, the shame I felt every time you would apologize and me just going along with ‘moving forward’ even when I could literally bet and win on when the next fight would take place.  

I apologize for how much I strung things along because all it did was damage both of us even further and make it even harder for us now as we still deal with the emotional trauma of recovering from such experiences and reconciling our feelings about it.  I have had countless emotional breakdowns, both alone and in front of people, about why I couldn’t let things go when I knew I was just afraid of being alone, the overwhelming anger I had when I thought of you and our decision-making during the worst of times, and frankly asking why I deserved such treatment from you when you knew my actions were always in earnest in the beginning.  I was this crazily hopeless romantic and wanted to do so many things that showed how awesome of a person I could be to you but you took advantage of those times when you could have returned compassion and let your previous relationship fuel your contempt and need for control in your current relationship.  There’s still a huge well of insecurities you have filled within me and I have to evacuate all of it from myself as they bubble up and I’m absolutely infuriated that I have to actively work on not being an emotional mess when trying to get to know others.  I harbor significant bitterness, though less than maybe a year ago, but it certainly has a long way to go.  I hate that I have to say that I am becoming a better person in spite of you when you personally witnessed the undue treatment I have received from my own family.  

If there’s any advice I can give from what I’ve learned in even the last six months, it is to be COMPLETELY and IMMEDIATELY forward about who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, and how you actually feel about things with a person you are trying to get to know.  I never realized how just saying ‘fuck it’ and presenting myself plainly to people, but with the confidence to write them off if I felt judged, would be the ultimate way to really experience my own feelings again and be TRULY validated for the person I am.  Hiding a concern you have until it bursts out as a problem you have after letting it affect the way you treat someone is the absolute worst way to approach a relationship and only makes you feel justified in treating someone like shit.  It isn’t justified because we all have a story and we all have been fucked with, but informing others about where our insecurities are sourced from (as I did with you) is still the right approach if you find someone who isn’t going to collect that information for later access if they feel like fucking with you.  I don’t think you’re much that person anymore (I hope) and it is my sincerest wish that you don’t encounter someone like that as you meet new people.  Be forward about all of it and seek to understand where someone is coming from even if how they’re presenting themselves may conflict from what you think is appropriate.  We’re all just trying to figure out our place in this world and whether it is beside someone else, and head to head combat, I have learned, is the absolute threshold for objectively deciding that this shit ain’t working and we need to move on.